According to the well-known film all our male friends fancy us to some degree. And if you consider that men think about sex every 3 seconds (or some figure equally exhausting) then at some point(s) they must be shagging you six ways to Sunday in their heads. Which is astonishing and unsettling in equal measures.

I do find some of my male friends undeniably attractive and have toyed with the odd fantasy involving them.  But what about the male friends I don’t fancy at all but really like because they’ve got a ‘great personality’ or make me laugh?  Silliness is enormously sexy.

Assessing the bed-worthy promise of my male friends is not something I want to dwell on but here’s the rub. They may not be model types or even classically good looking but they all have eyes that promise ‘illegal in 7 counties sex’ (not including Devon) and filthy afternoons in hotel bedrooms with bourbon, biting and a monkey trained to work the video.

So I decided to create a formula.

10 male friends (MF’s) x 20 famous men (FM’s) x 100 fantasy figures (FF’s).  This category could include video repairmen, Spike from Angel and James Bond.  Just saying.

= (Roughly 130 men that you fancy (MTYF)

Now lets assume women think about sex every 10 seconds.

So divide 130 (MTYF) by 10.

= (Roughly because I can’t find my calculator) 13.0

Now we have to percentage the categories (I sound like I actually know what I’m doing here)

So 10 % (MF’s) of 13.0

= (Roughly because I’ve found the calculator but it has muddled me dreadfully)  1.3 %

And 20 % (FM’s)

= (Roughly because I’m loosing my focus and have opened a bottle of Gavi)  2.6 %

And 130 (FF’s)

= (I’ve had to phone a Maths Professor friend) 13 %.

After pouring over the results and graphs for many, many  seconds I have reached this Nobel prize winning and empirically sound conclusion.

Women think about sex constantly with every man in their vicinity.

I am now shattered.  And anxious.